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INTRODUCING

The Selective Biblical Principles Party

Help Canada Return to its Roots. Join the Party with the best selection of select principles. Ours are wholly hand-chosen from the Holy Bible, following the teachings of the soon-to-be legendary theologians:

Rev. Dr. Hermann Newt-Icks, MA, MB, MC, M.etc., PhD, Dphule, PDQ

Jebus B. Gobley, Prophet, Seer, Intercessor, Bishop of Kipp (AB).

DON’T BE FOOLED BY THE CHEAPLY IMITATED!

This is the Real McCoy, a party that is completely upfront about what is ailing Canada, the abandonment of the Biblical Principles™ upon which this country was floundered. Exercise your right to CHOOSE which biblical passages should count for us! That is the meaning of Freedom of Religion after all!

Forget the Christian Heritage Party:

Sure, it seems to be dedicated to Biblical Principles™ , but check out the purply-pink anemic grape colour scheme. Can these guys (if there are, in fact, “guys” in the party) be the “right” conservatives? It looks pretty swishy lefty to us! Here is the Bible Passage that comes to mind when we think of the CHP:

“Mine heritage is unto me as a speckled bird” (Jeremiah 12:9)

Yup, God has turned them into a pretty purple flower. They were probably closet Greens, despite the purple. Enuff said about the CHP!

And what of the Greens?

Well, what about them?

“Abimelech took an axe in his hand, and cut down a bough from the trees, and took it, and laid it on his shoulder, and said unto the people that were with him, What ye have seen me do, make haste, and do as I have done.” (Judges 9:48).

We think that about says it all.

We are also opposed to the Conservative Party of Canada!

Did you know that the words “conservative” and “conserve” do NOT show up in the Bible? We checked the King James Version, The New International Version, and the American Standard, and they were not found!  On the other hand, “reform” shows up a lot in the New International Version, and even in the King James where we find:

“Which stood only in meats and drinks, and divers washings, and carnal ordinances, imposed on them until the time of REFORMation.” (Hebrews 9:10).

Of course, the former Progressive Conservative Party “knew” (in the biblical sense) the Reform party and begat the current Conservative Party, of which are now defunct, thus, the time of REFORMATION IS PAST! They missed the ark, so to speak. So, let them stand in their “meat” and “drink”, and let them wash divers and order their carnals (it’s really more fun than its sounds). We ain’t votin’ for ‘em!

Oh, yes, the Liberal and NDP coalition (supported by the Bloc Quebecois! We haven’t forgotten them!

“These men began to argue with Stephen,” (Acts 6:9)

Beware, it is an UNHOLY ALLIANCE!

Deuteronomy 22:9-11 “Thou shalt not sow thy vineyard with divers seeds: lest the fruit of thy seed which thou hast sown, and the fruit of thy vineyard, be defiled. Thou shalt not plow with an ox and an ass together. Thou shalt not wear a garment of divers sorts, as of woollen and linen together.”

That would just about settle it, wouldn’t it? For those of little faith, try this one:

Isaiah 28:18 “And your covenant with death shall be disannulled, and your agreement with hell shall not stand; when the overflowing scourge shall pass through, then ye shall be trodden down by it.”

Now, what does the SBP Party stand for? Go(o)d question! Well, here are some biblical principles that  apply to Canada’s current situation, and what we intend to do about it!

Canadas “Prorogued” Parliament

This week, Stephen Harper “prorogued” Parliament, introducing to Canadians a strange word that they had never heard before and never saw the need for. No one ever used the term, except for perhaps lawyers, but who ever pays attention to them? So, the Canadian Parliament is suspended until late January until we can figure out what the hell “to prorogue” actually means, at which point we will have to have an election over whether Harper, who sprung the word on us, is too much of a prat to run the place because of it. So, is “prorogation” a biblical principle? At first glance, it would seem not. On second glance, it isn’t either. On third glance, well, you decide:

Ye that put far away the evil day, and cause the seat of violence to come near (Amos 6:3).

So the Tories put off judgment day, but not entirely. There will be a butt-kicking to come, as it is written:

“And he smote his enemies in the hinder parts” (Psalm 78:66).

That’s right, kicking ass is biblical! But whose hinder parts? If we just took any old biblical passage, like the one above, it would seem that Stephen is in big trouble:

“And they stoned Stephen” (Acts 7:59 ).

On the other hand, since the SBPP is far more careful in its choice of biblical passages than are the heretics *other political parties*, we have to admit that prorogation is, in fact, in accordance with the Divine Will, at least in certain circumstances. What about the current circumstances?

Now, “Prorogue” comes from the ancient Heb. “perogie”, so what we have is a “perogied Parliament”. However weird this might sound, it is far better than Australia’s judicial system, the Kangaroo court, or America’s “Lame Duck” presidency, and whatever the hell they do in Belgium about licensing hot dog vendors. Now, what have perogies, the quintessential Canadian food, have to do with Stephen “The Martyr” Harper’s reaction to the Lib ‘N’Dippy dance?

Is there any prorogating in the Bible? OF COURSE!

Elisha the prophet wants some supper so he has is flunkies fling together a stew, but one of them puts in some poisonous herbs and then they say

2 Kings 4:40 “O thou man of God, there is death in the pot.”

Certainly, a stew of this sort, with everything heaved in without much thought or care will spell death for whoever eats it. Now, the big problem is not the Bloc Quebecois: “separatists” i.e., to be kept separate from other ingredients, as Mr. Harper would contend. True, they get everyone in a big stew, and that is Harper’s whole point. The real problem in the Bible, however, is the “herbs” in the stew, and so:

We blame the Green Party! (Flippin’ hippies)

Now, according to the Bible, the prophet Elisha fixed the strange brew stew by heaving flour into it. Of course, as we well know, flour will thicken the stew, but that can hardly be what Elisha intended to do. A thicker stew is not necessarily a safer stew, to wit: “The plot thickens” i.e., “the plot is more diabolical”. Elisha was a steadfact anti-diabolicalist.  ”Flour” obviously stands for something else.

Flour is the major ingredient in perogies.

Perogies in a pan. Notice the biblical onions on the side. These are obvious SOUTHERN FRIED Israelite perogies: see below.

As everyone knows, perogies typically have potatoes in them and potatoes were unheard of in ancient Israel, being a far more recent import (free trade, anyone?) from South America. So, how do we know that when the Bible says “flour” it means “perogies”?

Well, my mom makes blueberry perogies, so it is very likely that when the ancient Israelites made perogies, they made them with other fillings, like onions (in northern Israel, only served on the side in the south) or small kosher animals (albeit without cheese). Perogies go well in a stew, and since perogies are usually made by eastern European grandmothers (average age 132.5), perogies obviously defeat any poison, anti-oxidant, cholesterol, Mad Cow disease, or anything else that might get into a stew. Elijah knew this.

Now, Elisha’s anti-poison perogies cured the unholy broth, and all lived to tell the tale. So, when the Governor General perogied parliament, she sought to undo the poison attitudes that got in the political stew. But will it work?

When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously (Deuteronomy 18:22)

So, is she a new Elisha? Will we be saved?  It seems like it, But the proof is in the pudding, or as we, in the field of Biblical Principles™ say,

The Proof is in the Perogied Pottage.

If the government falls the perogie didn’t work and Ms Jean is no prophet. We must be prepared for the worst. Ms. Jean is, of course, heavenly, but look at how the greatest prophet, Moses, is described:

“Aaron and all the children of Israel saw Moses, behold, the skin of his face shone (Exodus 34:30)

The Selective Biblical Principles Party is the ONLY party with a contingency plan to look for a new, shining faced Elisha.   We like this one:

Both Rev. Dr. Hermann Newt-Icks and Mr. Jebus B. Gobley saw this picture and said “OMG!” And we all know what that means, immanent rapture.

Of course, Elisha Cuthbert has fulfilled many a Bible prophecy when she was insulted by her ex-boyfriend, some  snotty little sore loser child *hockey player* named Sean Avery, who rightly caught hell for it. This unjustified abuse was predicted:

2 Peter 3:3“Knowing this first, that there shall come in the last days scoffers, walking after their own lusts”

So, after we figure out this perogied Parliament and the Government falls, the SBPP would run candidates with the goal of fixing Canada according to our own patented Biblical Principles™ (which will NOT be an outright theocracy, we promise) and appoint Elisha Cuthbert Governor General.

We  are destined for grateness: YES, will will grate on everyone’s nerves!

Stay tuned for further installments as our policy is created (it will NOT evolve).

COMING SOON: The S.B.P.P. Website, where you can sign up and help chart a Biblical course for Canada.  Hey, if the country is going to Hell in a handbasket, someone has to drive!