A NEW POLITICAL PARTY THAT WILL
SAVE CANADA!!!!!
BY THE FINEST SELECTION OF BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES
See the Original Party Announcement here
The S.B.P. Party, under the inspiration of its Official Officials,
Rev. Dr. Hermann Newt-Icks, MA, MB, MC, M.etc., PhD, Dphule, PDQ
and his excellentness,
Jebus B. Gobley, Prophet, Seer, Intercessor, Bishop of Kipp (AB) Pope of Cymric (SK)
are pleased announce the first plank in its platform to transform the True North Strong and Free into a land God will be pleased to keep.
But why the S.B.P.? First, we all know that the Bible is intended for all people and all times, even those people who have never heard of it because they lived in times in which it didn’t exist. One cannot expect, therefore, that all of the Bible is equally relevant all the time to all people, even though, of course, all of its parts, including the maps at the back, are inerrant. Obviously, some kind of selection is necessary to manifest in the world the totality of its non-historically determined meaning, once and for all.
Don’t be fooled by the Christian Heritage Party! They claim to be the “right conservatives” and blither about “biblical principles” in some vague sort of way. They are more worried about being conservatives than pricipled Christians. Heck, if it didn’t matter which biblical principles form the basis of Canadian government, law, judiciary, education, economy, boardrooms, bedrooms, bathtubs, and backseats, then we might as well pool our money and property, like that silly church in the book of Acts and live like a bunch of godless commies sharing everything. Can’t have that!
There are many problems facing Canada. With the economic meltdown, hippies, liberals, tree-huggers, spam artists, and that Sham-Wow guy running amok on the airwaves, we need the Bible more than ever. The most pressing problem in these troubled times, of course, is poverty. As we learn from our Lord and Saviour™, “The poor will be with you always”. Also, many people are facing immanent death, or are otherwise less than pleased with their lot in life. God did not intend us to be over-burdened by their weeping and wailing. Still, the poor and the downtrodden are simply part of God’s creation and we should accept them gratefuly as such. Indeed, we should help them realize the full potential of their God-given state and devise laws that ensure that the “poor in spirit” may be truly blessed in their afllictions.
So here is the first plank in the S.B.P. party’s platform:
ON THE RIGHTS OF THE DOWNTRODDEN
PROVERBS 31:4-7
It is not for kings, O Lemuel, it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink:
Lest they drink, and forget the law, and pervert the judgment of any of the afflicted.
Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts.
Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.
(King James Version, of course).
This passage is rarely invoked in discussions of social problems, but it is plain to see that it applies. First, note how monarchs are forbidden to drink lest they trample on human rights, especially those of the biblically downtrodden. On the contrary, it is the poor, fatally afflicted and folks otherwise down in the dumps (a policy on landfills and recycling is in the works, by the way, stay tuned) who need a good stiff (and free) drink. A government that would pay for the monarch to booze it up while the rank and file are crying in their “preferred” soda pop is one that is totally morally bankrupt.
Queen Elizabeth shares a drink with Mexican President Felipe Calderon at Buckingham Palace in March 2009. Her Majesty is the one on the right, in the fancy hat. Both Britain and Mexico are in the throes of economic woes. Is it a coincidence? We doubt it.
It has therefore been revealed to us what must be done. Her majesty and all of her princely offspring, and, just for good measure, assorted hangers on, must become total teetotalers, while the riff-raff gets freely totaled.
”Outlook determines outcome”, as they say. What better way for people to pull themselves out of poverty than by making sure they forget that they are poor and/or miserable? But also note the verb in the clause “Give strong drink”. If our plan to solve the problem of national uncheeriness is going to work, our government must provide the people with the resources to do it! But how? After being careful to be guided by the Holy Spirit™ in the way that suits our needs best, we have correctly selected another Biblical Principle!
Leviticus 27:14-15
And when a man shall sanctify his house to be holy unto the LORD, then the priest shall estimate it, whether it be good or bad: as the priest shall estimate it, so shall it stand.
And if he that sanctified it will redeem his house, then he shall add the fifth part of the money of thy estimation unto it, and it shall be his.
What is a “consecrated house”? A church, of course. So, all churches will pass to the Crown and will be appraised by the ministry of taxation (minister=priest). Before the congregation can employ their building for any religious purpose, they technically must “redeem” it (i.e. buy it back) at 120% of the appraised value. Of course, since they already paid for it once, it would be unfair to ask them to pay for it again (in the olden days people built their own houses, and besides, Leviticus is in the OLD Testament and we are free from the law). With this act of Christian mercy, an S.B.P. government will only charge the biblically mandated value-added “love offering” of one fifth (20%) of the property value for lawful redemption. This redemption, should, of course, happen each year the congregation want to use their building as a church consecrated to God. That much is obvious. God never changes. If He needed your 20% once, he needs it always.
THEREFORE, the Selective Biblical Principles Party has decided that WHEN it is elected, all taxes on alcoholic beverages will be abolished and that people who can prove that they are either poor, sad, or really really really need a drink (verbal depositions to this effect will be accepted), will not be charged for their self-prescribed liquid medications in liquor stores, bars, pubs, etc. Proprietors of such establishments will forward the tab to the government who will then reimburse them out of a special “Medicinal Purposes-Care” fund created by the collection of redemptions from the churches.
This Chicago ad for a Bible Study course says it all: America is
far more religious that Canada. That’s why we missing out on
God’s Blessing!
Our plan sounds bold, even a little crazy, doesn’t it? BUT ITS BIBLICAL! So it must be good for us. Remember, Jesus turned water into wine! So here it is in a nutcase:
THE S.B.P. PARTY WILL TAX THE CHURCHES 20% PER YEAR TO BUY BOOZE
If that don’t cheer this place up a bit, we don’t know what will!
HELP MAKE THIS MIRACLE COME TRUE!
JOIN THE SELECTIVE BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES PARTY!
THE RIGHT PRINCIPLES MAKE US THE RIGHT PARTY!
And now, a musical interlude:
The Official Officials of the SBP Party would like to thank Dr. Jim for providing space for this announcement and especially for not posting a gratuitous sexy babe picture at the end of this post. That would be very inappropriate. We are also grateful for his willingness to advertise upstanding Christian music for the younger audience who may happen on this page.
Krystal Meyers. Gospel Singer. Please, no lusting, coveting or jealousy.
We’re serious, you must resist. Here, we will try it again.
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