SATAN, STAY OUT OF OUR UNDERPANTS!

File this in the “Clever Pronouncements
I Wish I Said” Drawer(s).

The Jackson (Mississippi) Free Press published an article on June 17 about an “abstinence only” sex(less) summit at the Mississippi Dept. of Human Services that involved a lot of rap music, dancing, cheerleading and general carrying on. 

Only by displaying God’s love everywhere can
your underpants be safe from satanic attack.

We read:

Before the summit began, rap music blasted over the speakers. The 5,000 kids in attendance spent their time inside dancing and singing along to Soulja Boy’s hit song “Crank Dat,” the chorus of which repeats, “Watch me crank that soulja boy, then superman that ho,” which most young people know is a disgustingly explicit sexual innuendo.

Underpants on the outside is only 
tempting the devil inuendo.

The article continues:

Shortly after, the Grenada Middle School cheerleaders performed their catchy cheer “Stop, don’t touch me there! You know this is my no-no square,” outlining the shape of a box around their shorts.

Just say “no no” to Sponge Bob Square Underpants touching you ANYWHERE!

The article goes on to discuss the failure of abstinence only sex education and the absence of any kind of real education offered at the “summit” (is that a disgustingly explicit sexual euphemism for “climb the mountain”?): 

I would like to know why scientifically valuable and life-saving information is being censored and made unavailable, and to what end? Mississippi has spent more than $16 million in abstinence-only programs, yet the state ranked No. 1 in teen births in 2009, and in the top five in STD infection numbers. Mississippi even took the No. 1 spot in 2006 with the highest number of gonorrhea infections.

Number one. Rah. Mississippi rocks!

Anyway, the best bit was a comment to the article by a certain Brian C. Johnson: 

~~~~~~~~~~~

“We must have the courage of our hypocrisy, the sanctimony of our baloney, and the rectitude of our pulchritude if we are to have any hope of keeping Satan out of our underpants.”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Jebus B. Gobley, I wish I had thought that up! I don’t even know what the hell “pulchritude” means! But one thing is clear. What we DO NOT WANT is Satan in our underpants! 

Now, Dr. Jim is all for teaching middle school, high school and grade school kids along with younger kids and grown ups that “No means No” and when to say it. Yet, I think it is kind of creepy having school cheerleaders cheering a cheery, asinine cheer about “no-no squares”. Cheerleading may have started innocently enough and still have the trappings of a sport at school levels (crumb, it is pretty athletic) but we all know what the attraction of older cheerleaders is at a professional sports level. It is entirely sexualized. So why give the girls some infantile euphemism to chant as if that might be a useful defense against date rape or raging hormones? Kids in middle school are probably far too young to handle all the feelings and peer pressure they are experiencing but they are too damn old and intelligent to be given baby talk to recite. 

A 1906 Cornell University Cheerleader

Perhaps a more recent Cornell graduate demonstrating how to keep Satan out of one’s underpants. Notice the star spangled chastity belt. 

Creepy as the no-no square cheer is, it is not nearly as creepy as the “purity ball” B.S. They are really creepy. 

 

High purity balls of alumina from Pingxiang Chemshun Ceramics Company of China. Unlike the lower purity balls of Mississippi, these have low rates of failure in unsafe working environments involving excessive levels of user induced friction. American failure rates can be lowered by employing proper protective equipment and increasing operator training. Training should include not only basic safety procedures but the implementation of thorough employee education upgrade programs. Only in this way will the system not be forced bear the stresses of unwanted burdens (editor’s note: this has been a disgustingly explicit sexual innuendo, pregnant with allusion).

Now, the purity balls are just plain creepy. Dads date their daughters, taking them to a fancy ball which actually have some of the trappings of a wedding. The girls promise their dads not to let anyone touch their no-no squares until they are finally sold off to their future unrelated male owners. 

Here is the Time article on these travesties and a picture.

 

Ain’t that sweet, these daddies and their little dears. “How come there isn’t any ball for the boys and their moms?” you might well ask. Well, that would be letting not only Satan but FREUD (EEK!) into one’s underpants. And we can’t have that. Besides, teenage boys’ runaway hormones are not really the problem. Its girls’ sexuality that needs to be controlled. Its the biblical way. 

CREEEEEEPY! Of course, these dads are only trying to protect their kids, and I can’t fault them for that. Maybe the kids don’t see the strange kinds of gender relations that are being played out and in the end taking part in such things won’t hurt them.

But why make a public ritual like this out of it? That’s the creepy bit. Why not discuss these kinds of issues at the appropriate time with the girls in private, or in schools with trained instructors. OOOOOPS!!!

I don’t have any figures on it, but I’ll bet that most of the dads who insist on being their daughter’s first date also don’t approve of a comprehensive sex education for the girls. 

Back in October 2008, there was a big flap in Alberta over the HPV vaccinations. The Lethbridge Catholic School board originally gave its blessing on vaccinating its students, but the Grand *#$#!!!-wit, Bishop Henry of Calgary, rushed to Lethbridge and read them the riot act. They backdown and refused the virus on moral grounds, following the Bishop’s party line that immunity to cancer could only lead to promiscuity. Needless to say, the opinions were flying hot and fast in the paper and I was even called up by the Herald and interviewed about it. I commented on the fear of female sexuality felt by many religious groups. I caught hell in the letters page from David Cavilla who didn’t think birth control empowered women and said that teenagers should be forced to suffer the consequences of their amorous misadventures. And so I wrote back (see Here) and corrected him.

Now, how can some Christians, who are supposed to know the value of forgiveness, compassion and so forth, make a “one strike and you’re out” policy for their kids when it comes to the most powerful urges most people ever feel in their whole lives? It’s not really Satan in our underpants that is the problem (although that is, to be sure, inconvenient and not a little uncomfortable) but natural hormones in the brain.

“We are all carry original sin, we all deserve to die for failing God, but God has forgiven us through faith in Jesus Christ, born of a virgin” their preachers preach. Well, start practicing it, and provide some means for people to pick themselves up after they fail. The obsession some forms of Christianity have with purity and virginity is creepy, too. Does heaven really have angelic cheerleading squads barking out rhymes to the inviolable no-no square? (What the hell would that be in Latin?)

Diego Valezquez’s The Immaculate Conception (1618). Even ages ago, Mary was depicted as a total virgin babe. The Catholic I.C. doctrine refers to Mary as being free from the stain of Original Sin. The Catholic prayer tota pulchra es presents her sinless nature by alluding to the distinctly erotic biblical book, The Song of Song (v.4:7). In the Latin (hey, we are talking about the ROMAN Catholic Church here). “Thou art all fair, my love; there is no spot in thee” The prayer turns it into “original stain” Yeah, a stainless virgin and erotic poetry. Nothing to see here folks, just move along… But wait…

Pulchra, pulchra, where have we seen THAT word before? Well, we will have to have the “rectitude of our pulchritude” and patiently await the return the main theme of this post, underpants. 

The parents who won’t protect their kids from the worse consequences of letting their (or someone else’s) libido get the best of them would not think twice about doing whatever is necessary to cure themselves or their kids of self-inflicted injuries due to careless driving, or what have you. Teach your kids how to drive safe and to “just say no” to the urge to speed, show off for their friends or generally be a dipwit behind the wheel. But when they mess up, do you just leave them to their own suffering?

Do these people reject on religious grounds to seat belts, airbags and crash absorbing structures in their cars just because their kids should suffer the consequences of ignoring the rules about not driving dangerously when they get into an accident? Of course not. Do we forbid them to drive when they are of the legal age? No. Why then leave them to fate when it comes sex?

Courage of our hypocrisy indeed!

Practice Safe Driving and Have Fun! Novelty rubbers are great, but make sure they they are not too big for your rig!

The missionary position is the only
one approved by the church.

This was supposed to be just a quick(ie) little post about a very clever turn of phrase, but it turned into another photo essay/rant. I guess I can’t just say no…

And what the hell happened to the underpants, and where the hell has Satan snuck off to? He was just here.

Well, in closing, it is up to you. Which undies will you give your daughter when the time comes? If you don’t give her these:

She will likely get these for herself:

The choice is yours at Landover Baptist Church, the official supplier of custom made purity knickers to the Argentine Cheerleading Squad, who are seen here doing their best to keep their “no-no squares” (or “GOOOAAALLLL!!!!!! as they are more commonly known in Argentina) out of sight lest they tempt innocent males into the sin of lust. 

Well, hey, lets have some music!

NO, NOT THAT!
We can’t touch that!
 

The Tubes, Live 1979

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