The Selective Biblical Principles Party Prepares for the Impending Election

In a news conference held at the Tim Hortons across the road from his house in East Armpit, Alberta, Rev. Dr. Hermann Newticks, leader of the new Selective Biblical Principles Party Of Canada, stated that the party has hit the ground sojourning.

“We are the only pro-life, pro-choice party” the leader declared. “We base our lives on the best chosen of all the myriad of biblical principles. Let it be done in politics as it is on the pews.” When asked by a reporter why his party is selective and does not base itself on all biblical principles, Newticks said “I dare anyone to try. You can’t balance all that good, god stuff all at once let alone deal with the kind of questions that arise in the dirty political world. The last politician to try barely got a vote from his own church, and the media kept hounding him about perceived contradictions in his platform. The poor guy went mad and is currently trying to evangelize Monton NB with a sign that says “God, I have FAQs”.

“The Selective Biblical Principles Party is the right choice for selective Canadians because we have the best selection of biblical principles.” Newticks said. The party fully supports the teaching of biblical creationism in the classroom. Rather than just take the standard Genesis 1 and/or 2 option, Newticks said they have selected the God vs. Leviathan theme found in Psalm 74  and Isaiah 27. “It’s more of Made in Canada option since we have so many dragon fossils that keep turning up in Alberta.

When asked whether he thought the SBPP would split the Christian vote that would otherwise go to the Christian Heritage Party, Newticks said “They’re real Christians? Could have fooled me!”

“Canadians, as Christians, need to be more socially attuned”, said Newticks. He described the CHP as “more rightwing than right-hearted and their right hand doesn’t know what their left behind is doing, but not in the biblical, Matthew 6:3 sense, either”.

Rather than trust “that den of thieves, big business” to cure poverty, Newticks says his party has already selected appropriate biblical principles to address the problem. For example, land owning Israelites were forbidden were o harvest all of their crops but required to leave some in the corners so the poor could glean it (Leviticus 19:9-10). Newticks said that this is infinitely more fair and reinforces the values of self-motivation and reliance. Citing the biblical story of Ruth, a tale of a poor woman who finds romance and a lawful wedding while gleaning, and whose grandson from this union was King David, Newticks said that such a program in Canada is the only way out of our current predicament.

“People have been asking for a sign”, said Newticks. “And if they contact our campaign office, we will give them one! They can put it on their lawn or place of business.” As an object lesson in “biblical principle selection” The party leader cautioned about wearing the sign as a frontlet between the eyes. “It pretty big and it would be able to see where you are going.”