If Religions Made Bras

Ah, yes, shit happens in religions, but so do bosums!

Catholic Holy Mass Transubstantiation Miracle-bra: Specially designed for the woman with breast augmentation surgery, to help transform you into someone divinely edible!

Anselm’s Holy-Sophistry Onto-oggle Deluxe! Super extra padded, defines any figure to beyond 46DD! A bra for busoms greater than that which can be conceived! Make imagination and “reality” merge in a perfect you!

Amish “Boobie Buggy”: A modest, hand made item that eschews the crass modern underwire technology for good old fashioned under-oaked craftsmanship!

Official Iranian Government “Presidential Pleasure” Bra: Unlike your country, there are no bosoms in Iran; we don’t have any.

Zoroastrian “Dynamic Dual” The white side is designed for maximum uplift and the black side is not.

Hare Krishna  ”Midnight Mantra” In beautiful saffron coloured material, our masterpiece channels a special “airport uplift” energy for true bosom consciousness.

Zen Buddhist “Enigma” If a bosom should fall in our bra, is there any refund?

Zen Buddhist “Enigma Deluxe” What is the sound of one breast flapping? Whatever it is, cover it up with our asymmetrical,  custum fit,  harmonically balanced, and acoustically insulated Enigma Deluxe, and get the peace and quiet you deserve!

Zen Buddhist “Satori Teaser” Tie yourself into an illogical knot with this elegant clasp-less design, because you know you’re not supposed to have any attachments!

Roman Catholic “Holy Mother Imaculate Contraption” Stain resistant,  for nursing women, our new high tech miracle will hold ‘em till you need ‘em.

Christian Literalist “Intelligently Designed Divine Image Science Bra”. Our most high-tech line reconciles pure science, human biology, and true faith. It takes the bra to a new level of complete practicality, comfort and ergonomic efficiency and is based on BIBLICAL principles! With three cups, our bra is unashamedly  trinitarian in a world that has sold its soul to “if it feels good, wear it” godlessness!

Orthodox Jewish “Red Sea Bra” Excellent lift and separation for 6 days, but of course, no lifting or separating on the Sabbath.

Reform Jewish “Red Sea Freedom Bra”. Excellent lift and separation all week long.

Conservative Jewish “Red Sea Consensus Bra” Excellent lift and separation for 6 days, but only if there is a general agreement that it is necessary.

Orthodox Jewish “Talmud Teaser” Rabbi Joshua said, “It is written, ‘Do  two walk together without them having met?’ so bras should hold the bosom together.” Rabbi Judah said, “The Holy One-blessed by He-separated the waters to reveal the dry land when He created the  universe.” Rabbi Hannaniah said in the name of Rabbi Nehemiah, “He separated the waters of the Sea and then divided the River Jordan, piling the waters up on the right and the left to let the Sons of Israel make their way to the promised land, a land ‘flowing with milk and honey’. Therefore, bras should lift and separate and give room for the discovery of honey.” The sages said, “It is written, ‘My tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth’ and therefore cleavage is a good thing,” but Rabbi Baruchiah said, “Is the cleaving of the tongue to the roof of the mouth the same as a bosom’s cleaving? One is from a dry mouth and the other makes the mouth water.” Hillel said, “Women are free from the commandment of binding on Teffilin so should they not be required to bind their bosoms”. Shammai said, “I’m more of a leg-man myself” but Rabbi Herschel said… (goes on for 5 more pages with a long digression into the question of how big a “cup” can be before it is a “basin”).

Fundamentalist Christian “Original Sin Bra” “The Fall” came when Eve ate the apple and so there isn’t anything to be done about it since bosoms are evil, wicked, satanic, vile, and are against biblical family values, but our bra is richly padded and embroidered with biblical passages to make you look more upright and smug and yet pleasing to the eyes of the men God has sent to bless your life.

Pentecostal Televangelist “Miracle Lift Faith Bra” Don’t let the Devil drag you down! Sew a Seed of Faith of only $1000 by ordering our Miracle Lift Faith Bra, and you will reap a harvest! Don’t forget the parable of the Faithful Wife in the Book of Egomaniciah who sewed only ONE seed and reaped a great harvest of produce and brought great joy to her poor husband! Yes, your own $1000 Faith Seed will grow as you wear our Miracle Lift Faith Bra — sent to you free of charge out of Christian Love—and you too will be lifted up in the Spirit, and your husband will enjoy a harvest of melons!

Mormon “Nights on Zion” An exact copy of the bra Joseph Smith used to wear on Saturday nights. Fundamentalist Mormon “Easy-Sorting, Big-Amy style” One size fits every woman in the house, so there’s no point to wondering which is whose!

Mennonite Bra Designed to keep the world from knowing a woman has any need for a bra under the plain dress designed, as much as possible, to look as though a woman doesn’t have breasts.

Fundamentalist Islamist “Discrete Desires Bra” Full support head to toe, to give you that appealing lack of feminine shape.

Hindu “Devi Deluxe” Realize your personal goddess. Comes with as many complementary shoulder straps as you think you have arms.

Buddhist “Not Quite Nirvana” Accentuates natural sag, deflation and impermanence. Hutterite “Bra” Only in black, and handmade of the finest economy-grade canvas. Available at Canadian Tire stores from coast to coast.

Scientology “Spiritual Technology Bra” Available only to the initiated for the low price of $50,000. Athletic-level of support and comfort even when jumping up and down on couches like an idiot. It comes with various books, pamphlets, built in flashing lights, a whistle, and a small propeller on each cup. Great support for the AUTHORIZED wearer from our legal team.

Confucian “Mandate of Heaven Bra” The Master said, “Heaven smiles upon the emperor who justly governs and supports the people so that they are not even aware that they are being ruled. So too, do men smile when they see the bosom that is naturally governed by our invisible underwire and seamless technology.”

Taoist “Wooo-weeee!” The bosom that can be tamed is not a real bosom.

Pascal’s “Wager Wonder Econo-Bra” For both women and men: in fact anyone who looks at themselves and says “there is no bosom”. But what if you find one there one day? At this low price, everyone can afford be prepared!

OK, THAT WAS FUN. NOW, JUST TO SHOW THAT US HEATHENS CAN TAKE A JOKE

Jerry Coyne “True Evolution” If you want more than “intelligent design”, make the the natural selection!

James Randi “Booby-Prize Challenge” Bra,  Wear it to humor the True Believers™  in the full knowledge that you don’t need the falsey “miracle” of wires and a good bit of padding!

Mythbusters “Pun Intended Bra”. RECALLED due to a proclivity to spontaneously explode.

Richard Dawkins “Goddess Delusion Bra” Bright red, available only in ‘A’ cup sizes and to be worn on the outside to show the world that you prefer men who appreciate you for your brains and not your ability to make them say “Oh God…”.

PZ Myers’ “Phar-Angular Provocateur” This mercilessly sharp cone-bra is likely to upset some, and may even get you “expelled” as you drive your points home.

A GUEST BRA: Hemant Mehta’s “Gawkin’ Dawkin’s, Atheist Bust Bra”. From the Friendly Atheist himself (posted here without permission, of course).